10am

Ah, another bright Sunday morning. The sun is out the birds are signing, happy day. Hang sheets up to dry.

10.30am

I stroll down to the kitchen and crack open a tube of Smarties. Take out the red ones and throw them away.

11am

Brace myself to open the football pages. It wasn’t the best of weekends, Leicester lost again. I didn’t get the chance to have a proper word with Milan after the game but he did shout something from the director’s box. It sounded like “Holloway, why did I appoint you? You cucking punt.” I’m not sure what he meant. Then he started crying.

11.30am

I see those evil red bastards have yet again failed to win. Almost as funny as when I took my boys there and we beat them. I was chatting to Alan before that game and asked him if he’d finally had to step down as Chairman of the Supporters Club because they’d realized he was a gashead. He said that they still hadn’t spotted it and he’d even been bragging about going to the play-off final with his gas mates. Turns out he stepped down because he’d stopped all the travel concessions and event organization that the Club used to do and there was nothing further left to wreck, though he had failed to stop the East End opening.

12pm

Lunch. My takeaway pizza arrives. Throw away all the tomatoes and red peppers. Then nap time.

2pm

People ask me if I’m so anti Bristol City because I failed my trial with them. I always have to explain that’s rubbish. I have always hated them and played deliberately badly in my trial to make sure they turned me down. Bastards. Bastards. Bastards. Bastards.

3pm

I need something to motivate the lads for the next game. Dig out some old notes I made about fighting for the club, remembering that spirit and above all loyalty matter more than everything else. Change all the Plymouth references to read Leicester.

It was good to see that my old fans hadn’t forgotten me when we played Plymouth, chanting my name all the time. Some even wore t-shirts with my picture on. I’m sure they realize that I am a man of my word. Unless there’s a few quid in it for me obviously.

Check the league managers’ site to see if there are any better paid jobs coming up.

4pm

Look at the pictures in my book. I think it’s doing quite well and the publisher told me it was being remaindered which sounds good to me.

5pm

Bed time. Start blowing up my inflatable Gerry Francis.