He's Back!
Hollywood move making legend and City's supporting love meister
once again others you words of lurve guaranteed to get her kit off.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
Hi - your face or mine?
The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.
Here's 20p to call your mum - tell her I'm kidnapping you.
I have only three months to live…
You've got a huge arse - you're lucky I'm in love with Dawn French!
Are you new around here? I've had sex with most of the girls in here so it's nice to see new talent.
Good news - the test results are negative!
Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't, so let's be realistic…
Do you mind if I stand here until it's safe to go back to where I farted?
As long as there's my face, there'll always be a place for you to sit.
Do you believe in helping the homeless? Then take me home with you.
Hi, I heard women go for bastards? Well, I never knew who my father was.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
Hi, I'm not trying to pressure you. I don't want to have sex without mutual consent. By the way, you have my consent.
That dress looks shit - I think you should take it off immediately
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free
Carys latest squeeze.
One evening last week, my latest squeeze and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every City supporting Hollywood film star on the planet dreads to hear..
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of set to spend time with her. We went out to a Michelin rated restaurant and then went shopping at a lavish department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different high fashion outfits by Armani. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new Jimmy Choo shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a Jack Nicholson. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all Dahling, let's go to the cashier."
I then went into my best steely faced Hollywood Sex God mode and firmly stated , "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a City supporting Movie Legend enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for my wonderful films and who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least that cock teasing bitch knows this Citys supporting filmstar is smarter than her.
Carys latest squeeze
Stoney's GASHEADS OF THE WORLD
A Gashead takes his german shepherd dog to the vet. He explains that every time he bends over, the dog mounts him. All he has to do is bend down to go into the freezer, pick the mail up, clean under the table, and he is there, humping away at him.
"What would you like me to do?" asks the vet. "Castrate him or put him down?"
"Oh no," says the Gashead, "Just cut his claws please".
The small crowd at the memorial are trying to sue the architects for having the seats facing the pitch!
Bloke went to the Rovers shop and enquired "what would I get for £50? Thye said two fowards and a keeper.
If you buy a half season tiocket for the Gas you get a free fishing licenece as well [waterlogged].
Gashead: "I've been ringing 0700 1800 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Gashead: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Gashead: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Gashead: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Gashead: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Gashead: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Gashead: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Gashead: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Gashead: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Gashead: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Gashead: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Gashead: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Gashead: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Gashead: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back
of it, not just one??"
Gashead: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Gashead: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Gashead: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Gashead: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Gashead: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Gashead: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Gashead: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Gashead: "Because there's a power failure.."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Gashead: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
take it back to the store you bought it from."
Gashead: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Gashead: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f###ing stupid to own a computer.
How do we know that ET was Gashead? Because he looked like one.
Bristol Rovers were to be sponsored by oxo. But they would become the laughing stock.
On the door of a chemist it said "spend £10 or more and get two free Rovers tickets". Bloke says "get in there and spend more than ten quid and we will get two tickets". So he goes in and says "two packets of condoms, some cream for me piles and som elubricating oil". The girl behind the counter counted £12.50. Outside his mate asks "did you get the tickets? "No I was too embarrasssed to ask".
The Gas players were asked where they would like their holiday this year and they all said Blackpool. WHY? It's the only place they will get to go on a open top bus.
little Gashead comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?"
Little Gashead replies "I had sex for the first time today!"
Little Gashead's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Gashead to go to his room and wait for his father to get home.
Later, Little Gashead's father comes to his room, sits down and says "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?"
The next day, Gashead comes home and his father asks "Did you have sex again today, Little Gashead?"
Little Gashead replies "No, my ass still hurts from yesterday."
