An East End Steward ''Safety'' officers diary

7.30 am

My alarm clock goes off, its a match day today and the culmination of a heavy weeks safety training, ive spent the whole week at the Stadium learning to walk up and down stairs, im yet to have as many gold stars as my friend Dave but I do think I chose the right career path instead of KFC on Winterstoke road.

8.00am

I head downstairs to find the wife relaxing with her feet up on the sofa, i instruct her to immediately remove her feet from the seat, not only is it a safety hazard but there could be anything on her shoes, how would she like it if someone else were to sit in that seat. I consider banning her but instead warn her that everything she gets up to can be seen on the cctv cameras I have installed.

10.05 am

I go to get my fluro jacket before heading to the match only to find one of the kids standing in the garden outside, I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don't know how many times I need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble, better safe than sorry is my motto.

11.50am Finish safety briefing with head safety officer and make a mental note to be vigilant with fans wearing Adidas Trainers, black, Aquascutum, Armani, Berghaus, Bennetton, Boss, Burberry, CP Company, Chevignon, Chipie, Ciro Citterio, Dark clothes, Dia Dora, ear rings, Ellesse, Evisu Hackett, Fila, Henri Llyod, Hooded tops, Jeans, Kappa, Lacoste, Lyle and Scott, Marco o polo, North Face, One True Saxon, Paul Smith, Paul and Shark, Pringle, Puma, Ralph Lauren, Rockport, Sergio Tachinni, Slazenger, Stone Island, Timberland. I then check with Sid and decide to add ear rings and tattoos to the list as you can't ever be too careful. Don shin pads, stab proofed vest, check gum shield and black gloves then check radio.

11.55pm Gather with other officers outside the Wedlocks. Huddle and offer words of support. No safety officer will be left behind those lines brothers!

1.00pm WE ARE GOING IN, move into stand in a skirmishing formation, you can feel the potential danger as soon as you enter the stand. The club are right, this stand is a catalyst for trouble. Touch gum shield for reassurance.

1.15pm "ZIGGA ZAGGA ZIGGA ZAGGA" safety officer needs assistance call sign comes via radio. Run to the toilet area and help Sid to successfully drag teenager out of the toilet cubicle by the feet. He was trying to clearly defecate in that cubicle, guilty as sin as his jeans and pants were still around his trainers when I arrived and the potential for MRSA is vast. Cordon the cubicle off with netting after ejecting teenager.

2.56pm

The 242 season ticket holders are in the Evil East End and we're almost ready for action, ive been busy directing people to their unreserved seats for the past half hour. There was one woman who tried to enter the East End wearing boots, HOW DARE SHE! can you imagine letting someone in with something that could be used as a dangerous weapon, she insisted they were fashion wear, never in million years, obvious health and safety risk as well due to the heel so I insisted she enter the stand bare foot after I check that her nails could not injure others. A 78 year old lady also tried to enter the East End with a walking stick and a small boy armed with a flag. That walking stick was a clear health hazard and offensive weapon and I refused her entry and confiscated her season ticket there and then. I was later informed she fell over and suffered a broken arm but think of the injuries she could have inflicted to others. The boys flag was identified as a hazard as it was not fire retardant so he was not allowed in either. Hopefully he has learned his lesson here and there is time for him to see the error of his ways. Perhaps I should have snapped the flag stick up some more in case he stabbed somebody with it. There some real malevolence in this stand today and it has not even kicked off yet. Touch gum shield for reassurance

3.10pm

I spot a young lad shouting that City are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen". My mate Sid confirms my suspicions that the Brazil side of 1970 were the best of all time. So after putting on black gloves I discipline the little bugger for lying. First their telling fibs then it leads to smoking, cannabis, heroin and gun crime, still my objective as stewards safety officer is to eradicate all evil from society so taking his season ticket of him was the right thing to do. Catalyst for trouble that East End close it down.

3.49pm

Half time - its the usual stampede to the toilets so these hooligans can take even more drugs to aid the riots they'll no doubt be starting, one of them has been standing a whole yard in front of the yellow line for the queue. ive radioed the gaffer but I have to wait until he moves another step before I can chuck him out. Another lad is seen heading into the toilets with a pack of fags. Does he not know passive smoking causes cancer to anybody within a mile . I eject him and apply for a 3 year banning order to be imposed. He never got to light one of those death sticks as I had him by the pressure points before they came out of his pocket.

3.53pm

YES! the man queuing finally moves forward, its been agony waiting for it but I feel he's been causing a real threat to other peoples safety, There were also fans smoking outside the East End so I lock the Gates so the scum cannot get back in the stadium. If someone had left a crate of dynamite inside the Wedlocks the whole stadium could blow up, I don't want to be the man left with blood on his hands. Close the stand down I say, risk all of them including that degenerate who refused to leave her prosthetic limbs at the turnstiles. Clearly contravened ground regs as that leg could have been used to dig a tunnel beneath the Wedlock's and then used to attack the away fans. Banned her so its only

240 season ticket holders to go in that Stand till we get our bonus. Catalyst for trouble that East End close it down.

4.23pm

2 kids have been spotted walking around the East End, one is apparently armed with a plastic spoon, its times like these that I hate the danger element that's involved but if it meant ensuring the safety of the fans id fight them, unless there's someone smaller to pick on of course

4.25pm CHRIST! Byfields scored and the hooligans are jumping up and down, they are stood, all of them! I check my watch and after three seconds decide that the jumping up and down has now become persistent standing.This is against ground regs.

My gloves are on and I pick the smallest fan out i can see then eject him. He may not thank me now but if he had tripped hundreds could have died. Big decisions have to be made and I make them. Touch gum shield for reassurance

4.29pm SHIT! Byfields scored again and I put on my black shades and leap in front of an old Grey lady and shout "make my day punk, stand"! Old Grey lady wriggles in her seat but stays sitting. Take out my note pad and make note of her appearance. Trouble that one and I blame the parents, no respect for anything anymore. Catalyst for trouble that East End close it down.

4.52pm

That's it, game over, the drama however is not, one obvious hooligan has decided to hurdle the seats, he doesn't realise the danger he is causing himself and others, ive called for the police as this is a serious matter, one of the boys in blue comes over and laughs in my face when I ask him to arrest the man for climbing over the seats, he obviously isn't very well trained as I know this is actually a law, maybe he's laughing at the supposed supporters idiocy and just how far he is willing to go to compromise his own safety.

5.36pm

Another hectic day is over, unfortunately I lost our weekly contest of how many people we can throw out, although I did win a sweepstake for the stupidest warning after telling a fan he would have his season ticket taken off him if he continued to clap during the game, people criticise us stewards for not having a sense of humour but its a laugh a minute it really is. The head Safety officer informs us that there are only another 219 East Ender trouble making vermin left and we will have complete our mission by Christmas to eradicate these risk supporters from the ground. Catalyst for trouble that East End close it down.

7.00pm

I go home via my local chippy, the assistant obviously spots my luminous jacket and asks how City got on, I aint stupid, they wont catch me out, I chucked 2 under 10s out, warned 2 pensioners and am trying to have 3 season tickets confiscated of people who wore too much bright clothing to the match, does he really think I have time to watch the game, its disgusting the lack of respect some people have for us stewards safety officers

8.14pm

I arrive home to find pandemonium in my house, my wife is running up and down the stairs screaming "****ing get in we've won 5 million ****ing quid on the lottery", I proceed to throw her out of the premises as she is clearly celebrating far to much and foul language is just going over the top, with a bit of luck she wont be allowed back in again, some people just take liberties.

8.20pm Place shin pads, stab proofed vest, check gum shield and black gloves in wardrobe. I really wish it did not have to be like this safety officers really should be given the tools to finish the job, we need cs gas and batons.

10. 25pm

I settle down to watch Match of the Day, strange it seems people in the crowd actually watch the game quietly if only our supporters would grow up and not be hell bent on causing trouble. Catalyst for trouble that East End close it down.

12. 00pm

I apply to join the police force for the 42nd time

EDITORIAL NOTE - The East End Stewards are very nice.