7.00pm Sit indoors in my finest Primark autumn range and reach for first of can of the night.

7.05pm Have to go for wee wee

7.30pm Have had 3 cans now and am really rocking. Debating whether to stay in with a video of Some like it hot. Monroe is a fox.

7.35pm Go for another wee wee. Spill some on my new slacks.

9.00pm 5 cans now and I am going to be an unstoppable Sex machine tonight.

9.01pm Go for wee wee

9.05pm Taxi arrives to take me to the Waterfront

9.06pm Piss in taxi, driver doesn't notice

9.18pm Arrive at Waterfront

9.20pm Swagger into Bar and let them know Malone voice of sport is boss

9.21pm Ejected from Bar for smelling of wee wee.

9.23pm Smash f##k out of a litter bin outside and give trousers a chance to dry albeit a little stickily

9.25pm Decide to go for it and have a Vodka annd red bull

9.35pm Sit down and have rest as room is spinning. Decide to stick to the beer

9.40pm Use my fluent Spanish and ask for something classic disco by Sister Sledge to be played

9.40pm Start dancing to Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep they have inexplicably put on the turntable

9.45pm Notice Dolly bird looking at me, she is in leather, decide to play it cool and not have a wank yet.

9.46pm The stress is too much and I have wank

10.00pm Dance some more, throw some shapes, bump, grind I should f###ing coco

10.00pm Dance some more, everyone is looking at me, they can't take there eyes off me, I am a God of love.

10.01pm Notice flies are undone, retreat to dimly lit bar and have another beer

10.05pm Sultry, leather clad Dolly bird appraoches, I've pulled and she isn't that fat, decide to play it cool

10.06pm Have wank, then have wee wee

10.10pm Neck with hot babe at bar, ask her back to my place. She nods, gives me a playful squeeze and suggests we get taxi back to my place

10.30pm Get taxi, bloody things smells likes stale piss. Now for a night of fantastic non stop hardcore love making

10.31pm Have last wee wee just in case

10.32pm Begin lovemaking, she is VERY dominant

4.30am Wake up, turn over and wonder why girl is wearing a false handlebar moustache. Note hairyish arms . Strange?

4.31am Begin cold sweat, go for wee wee, notice my bum hurts a little. Odd? I didn't have a curry last night.

4.33am "Bird" starts nuzzling me. Really has has got very big hairy arms, stranage tattoo of a Bulldog....