The Red Bristol Party
The not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking.
There is a new voice in British politics
the voice of the Common man.
The Red Bristol Party, The not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking aims to put an end to two party politics and put real policies made by real proper people first.
Windfall Taxation
Labour for a party that occupies the centre left has consistently failed to protect low income families and the vulnerable from greed driven capitalism. Energy companies are operating policies that see people making decisions where they choose between "food or fuel". Lavish and extravagant profits have been recorded by the big six energy firms while passing on price increases of 42% this year. This immoral practice must stop. The Governments regulator Ofgem has been found to be utterly inadequate and impotent in the face of obscene profits being made.
As a true left wing party wanting social justice for all the not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking would impose a windfall tax and use the revenue raised to help those facing fuel poverty. Fuel companies would also have to recompense consumers for past over priced services in the form of :-
" Credited fuel bills
" Energy vouchers to be used for any fuel source the consumer saw fit.
" West Country cheddar cheese.
" Cider [over 6% abv]
ID Cards.
ID cards are a attack on our liberty. Britains best defence is that it is an Island and this massive leap into a database state is about control freakery not freedom.
Do you want FIFTY separate points of information about you in the hands of those who have already proved that bodies like the DVLA will sell it on? Do you feel happy that this will not lead to your civil liberties being infringed further? "No ID card Sir, well you won't be travelling on this train to that football match in London Sir it's illegal to do so without ID"!
True liberty is being able to wander the streets at 4AM dressed only in a pair of red and white stripey y fronts swigging from a flagon of rough and this basic freedom must be protected.
Law and order
It is clear that our Cities and towns are enduring an epidemic of drink inspired violence. Each weekend Bristol's Harbour side sees countless drunken brawls from youths too intoxicated to know what they are doing. The Government's response of giving police powers to fine brawlers on the spot is not working. On the spot fines would be abolished and anybody arrested for fighting in City centre's clearly under the influence should be arrested instantly to protect themselves and others . When the "offender" is sober they shall be escorted to the City Centre to a large purpose cage facility where they will be given the opportunity to "get it on" properly with a clear head so we do not have to witness anymore of this windmilling rubbish.
Stocks and Ducking stools will be situated on Baltic Wharf for regular Sunday afternoon rehabilitation for crimes such as :-
" The wearing of blue and white quarters in the BS3/BS4 and North Somerset area.
" Whistling or singing Goodnight Irene in the above area.
" Possessing a mullet haircut or moustache circa Bristol Rovers 89-90 .
" Putting ice in cider or asking for this nefarious practice.
Them Gayers law
For too long we have been bombarded by spin claiming that fifty per cent of all men are or have been Bummers. This ceaseless attempt to indoctrinate the good people of the South West with myths has failed. We are easy going tolerant folk and in a attempt to build bridges between normal red blooded Women humping Males and them Gayers powers will exercise caution and reasonable restraint. The moment the not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking come to power under them Gayers law all them Gayers will have a period of six hours to leave the West Country with two choices :-
" Move to London
" Be bound together on a raft on the River Severn
Smoking & Drinking [being normal]
Working class behaviour has been under constant attack. For the crimes of being white, working class binge drinkers we have seen our culture being brutally suppressed by intolerant non smiling vindictive killjoys. We believe that smoking, drinking and the complete inability to remember the night before are things the English should be proud off.
Under new laws known as F off [fuck off elsewhere if you do not like it] smoking will be reintroduced at the Landlords [their pub their rules] discretion. We are adamant that the policy of F off and the return of smoky high tar environments will help to protect the legacy of proper boozers for our children to carry on our rich pub traditions.
The taxation of Cider will be priced at levels to encourage drunken buffoonery following strict guidelines where :-
" The stronger the cider is the less it will be taxed.
" Rough cider will cost a maximum of £1.
" Blackthorn draught cider will be priced at a maximum of £1.50.
" Natch in the bottle will cost less per pint than draught cider.
" Cider in a can should cost no more than 50p per 500ml.
These simple steps will stimulate not only the publicans and off licence trade but kick start the economy in this time of recession and help customers drink more. The more strong cider customers drink the longer they will stay out, the less they will remember and it's a win win situation here for all.
Tax on cigarettes will be decreased annually in a effort to bring prices in line with our European counterparts in Poland where a pack of twenty cost 2 euros [£1.60].
It is an act of hypocrisy that young men can fight for their Country but are not allowed to legally buy cigarettes or act like men by buying cider. So the legal age for drinking and smoking will be lowered to sixteen so young men cannot only fight for the Country they can also drink and smoke for it.
Global warming and the environment.
It is clear even to Ian Holloway that Global warming offers a serious threat to all of mankind unless radical and far reaching measures are put in place now. The average global air temperature near the Earth's surface increased 0.74 ± 0.18 °C (1.33 ± 0.32 °F) during the last 100 years. If this continues unabated Ashton Gate will need to be moved up onto Ashton Court to survive. We can prevent this.! The not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking
party proposes in a visionary move to in one swoop offset all the BS3/BS4 and North Somerset area's carbon emissions and in turn reinvigorate the environment. All available space in Somerset including that set aside for housing must be turned into one giant cider apple orchard to save Ashton Gate.
Education Education Education
Our children are our future and they must be prepared to face the challenges this ever changing world presents them. Britain's education system needs to be turned upside down and inappropriate education for young males like home economics being replaced by science in the form of cider making and hydroponics right through to University.
An epidemic of obesity is facing our Country and this can be tackled at its root by physical education. Football, boxing and more football will become part of the everyday curriculum. Fatties will soon change their lard arse ways when they are getting battered everyday saving the NHS billions in later years.
School assembly will see the anthem of North Somerset "drink up thy zider" sung enforced by law followed "by I am a cider drinker" to close fostering a feeling of unity with the Mother Ciderland.
Sport
For years now hundreds of millions of pounds of lottery money have been squandered on Sports which are not socially inclusive. As a true left wing party we recognise that the majority of people could not own a horse like that posh bint Zara Phillipps or ever be fit enough to row in a boat like quintuple Olympic gold medallist rower Steve Redgrave. To be truly inclusive society needs to invest the money wasted on non accessible sports into forms that all can access like those in pubs. Sports like Darts and Dominoes are free. What's more we are really good at Darts so lets offer free cider to youngsters in an effort to attract them into pubs and towards the socially inclusive darts board where having a horse or a admittedly admirable physique like Sir Steve's will not matter.
Unlike the Tories with Colin Moynihan or labour party and Tony Banks somebody who actually likes and knows something about sport would become minister for sport. Bristol City supporting professional darts player Mark Dudbridge and Three Lions pub regular would be offered this important post.
Our national sport is in a shambles. This season we have clubs start the season on minus fifteen and thirty points despite the governing bodies having guidelines to decide if people are a fit and proper person to run these clubs. We have looked on as clubs squabbled in Courts of law trying to decide who really did own Carlos Tevez.
The not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking party would force the FA and Football League to wage cap players, limit oversees players, freeze admission prices, play matches at practical times for fans, introduce safe standing areas in stadia, redistribute the enormous wealth being generated through the entire game for the greater good
.. the list seems to be endless such is the malaise football finds itself in.
The game needs a national debate and open public enquires into its shady practices to decide if the millions who support it are less important than Sky and a goofy deep pocketed Russian Oligarch.
National holidays
Despite labour claiming it is a Democratic Socalist party the Government has failed to address a basic inequality with our European counterparts. Britons work the longest hours within the EU but also at a miserable 8 days per year fall behind the EU average of 11.35 day national holiday. As a true left wing party committed to Social and economic reform the not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking party would reward workers with an extra three days national holiday each year. We the propose that the following days be celebrated :-
" January 16th. Wassailing day. Where children would make effigies of Ian Hollway and beat them with sticks while their parents would make offerings to the spirits of the apple tree to ensure a fruitful harvest the following year. All accompanied by folk making as much noise as possible by beating road signs with traffic cones, singing songs about cider and getting utterly bolloxed.
" April 23rd. St Georges day. Where the nation would go out in a celebration of all things English like Black Rat Cider, Cheddar cheese, the Who, the Sex Pistols, Oliver Reed, the Wurzels and make as much noise as possible by beating road signs with traffic cones and get utterly bolloxed.
" July 30th. Some people are on the pitch the think its all over it is now day. Where the nation would go out in a celebration and re enact that famous day by using traffic cones and road signs making as goals while making lots of noise and get utterly bolloxed.
Culture
For too long our national flags have been associated with the far right. Our nation needs to be integrated and flying a Union Jack is not a racist statement. Our flags are an enduring symbol of unity which transcend politics and absorbs cultural change. So to reflect this every Church, Mosque, Temple, School, Synagogue
every public space will fly our national flags. If people wish to embellish their flags with an image to reflect their culture with Big Spliffs etc they can do so with our blessing but we shall be drawing the line at circumcised willies and cattle being slaughtered in the street.
Political correctness is harming our tolerant nation. Irony and a self depreciating humour are part of our national psyche. So lets forget about apologising for slavery. In act of social inclusion we shall celebrate difference and point out that Johnny Foreigner can have the Malcom X centre so we can have more streets named after slavers. Soon there will be streets in estates named Cathy Barry's up the Arse Road, Johnny Towel head Way and a forty foot statue of Adge Cutler swinging a flagon of cider on College Green.
Immigration
It is clear that uncontrolled immigration something that concerns the indigenous population of Britain. As a party of social inclusion we would not curb immigration but expect all who come to this Isle to integrate. If you want to live here act like us be like us. All entering Britain would be expected to pass a test of suitability where they are asked random questions about British culture e.g.
If a man calls you a cunt in a pub do you?
1. Hit him with a barstool
2. Punch and head butt
3. Both 1& 2
What is Viz?
Who is the lead singer of Oasis?
Delicious and nutritious chips are made from ?
What was the score in the 1966 World cup final and how far was the ball over the line?
Once this hour long test is complete the applicant will face one last test where he or she will have to quaff ten pints of rough cider in a five hour session set fire to their pubic hair without harming themselves, attempt to drink vodka through their eyes and negotiate a course where traffic cones are placed upon statues, cars and telephone boxes. Fail you are out but succeed you
will be one of us and given a nickname like Chalky to show you have been accepted and are "alright" just like fat bastard, Taffy or Ginge are.
The Red Bristol Party
The not for Weirdoes party
Football, Fags, and drinking.
We are here for you
not the Weirdoes!
