Why City are not ready for the Premiership
The real reasons
Some people rationalise their disappointment that we didn't go up by saying we're not ready yet. However they focus on trivial reasons like whether the players are good enough. A close study of teams that do well in the Premier League reveals the real reasons we are not yet ready though:
Dugouts:
Ours are far too small. So small in fact that Gary and Keith have to stand up all game. All the best clubs have an area the size of a first class departure lounge, with seats to match. Replacing the Williams Stand with one of these is essential, with the added bonus that the average level of noise at games will actually increase.
Mysterious blokes on the bench
Every decent team has at least two unknown bald/shaven headed blokes in tracksuits, headsets optional, on the bench. Nobody knows who they are or what they do but it appears you have to have them. Where are ours?
A fit and proper Chairman/Owner
Ours is a mere multi-millionaire and depressingly honest in how he makes his money (in as much as anybody working in financial services can be called that). Having not as far as I know been involved in gun running, high-level government corruption or extra-judicial executions he has no chance of passing the Premier League's rigorous fit and proper person test. We must find a proper owner urgently.
Inspirational Captain
Ok so Louis is Mr Bristol City, over 500 games blah, blah but when was the last time he led 10 players in surrounding the referee, hurling abuse and jabbing a finger in his chest? We need our very own Rio or JT to step up to the plate.
Sulkers
Not one of our squad has stalked off the pitch and thrown his shirt to the ground when subbed. When left out of the side they wimpily buckle down to fight for their place and back the other lads from the bench or the stands. Where are the quotes in the press from "close friends" slagging off the Manager and identifying the team mates who are not fit to lace his boots? Surely they have seen Anelka and should take inspiration from a world class sulker? For heaven's sake not one of them can do a Gallic shrug. The absence of buckets / other sports drink vessels strategically placed for choreographed displays of frustration with team / officials has been a major managerial oversight this season. Doesn't Gary learn anything when he goes on those courses with Premier League managers?
Grumpy, monosyllabic Manager
Lets face it the current incumbent is far too articulate, witty and worst of all sporting. He must learn to grunt his way through interviews or refuse to do them at all, fulminate at the referee and the opposition and storm out of press conferences surrounded by minders. Plus, he must chew gum at 90mph with his gob wide open.
A Director of Football
It matters not that he has little or no managerial experience, in fact it is a positive advantage, but you have to have somebody to sign all the players the Manager doesn't want and in other ways to undermine him. He must be a close personal friend of the Chairman and preferably foreign with no knowledge of the English game (Dennis Wise need not apply as he fails to meet the first criterion though he does meet the second). I'm sure Gary would welcome such a figure with open arms and closed fists.
Sinister Chief Executive
Every decent club needs a brooding, preferably balding and sinister Peter Kenyon type Chief Executive. Oh, hang on...... scratch that one.
Standard Premier League scandals
The scandals our players have been involved in are SO Football League. Premier League teams need to have at least one roasting episode to hit the National newspapers. We need at least one club employee to be arrested at dawn by the City of London police, accompanied by the national press, on suspicion of false accounting and/or money laundering. Also, there needs to be a rumour about one of the players being gay (mind you reading the programme notes about what they get up to in their hotel rooms on away games, there could be more than one of them - allegedly).
Token Chinese/Korean player
This one player will not be any good, but it's an absolute must if we want to compete in the Premier League. Some random Asian guy who isn't any good at football will help us sell many more shirts and increase our fan base in these places.
Advertising boards
We must have those really annoying moving electronic advertising boards. This will ensure that no one can concentrate on the game as the moving boards will make it impossible to pick up the path of the ball as the only people we need to cater for are the people watching on TV in China, so the adverts will be those advertising David Beckham's new line of suits and will be in Mandarin. This will also mean that the new type of fans (young kiddy types) will have something to look at during the match trying to work out what the adverts are about.
Stop calling it a club - It's now a brand!
Logos must be on everything. The club shop must be 8 times bigger with several floors. Everything will cost loads of money, and everything from staplers to sofas will be available with the brand crest on. Also pie's and burgers must come with a serviette with the brand logo - all this food must be booked before kick-off and delivered to you at half-time, pie's should cost roughly 3-4 weeks wages.
Atmosphere
When true fans are trying to have an in depth discussion about the tactics of the match some very rude people are cheering and singing. This will be unacceptable, so to combat this we should raise the ticket prices by 200% after we have been promoted - this should counter the problem as only rich executives and their families will be able to afford to go to the matches. This will help the players to concentrate during the match which can only be a good thing.
Hotel
We obviously need a hotel - for - ummmmm - well, you need a hotel don't you? Obviously.
New signings
In the play-off final 13/16 players were British, this is obviously why we lost. No more players from Bristol will be allowed because it will give us more flair - we must follow Wenger's "British players are rubbish" policy in order to survive. All our new players must either be French midfielders who can take free-kicks or massive Africans who can kick the other teams off the park. Not forgetting, of course, our new strategic alliances with a Swedish third-division outfit and Minnesota-based minor soccer league corporation.
Style
If our players want to play in the Premier League they should note that Alice bands for dodgy long haircuts and gloves (whatever the weather) are mandatory and they should ensure that the knees are covered with the socks at all times. This is not cissy, it is Premier League class. You can only wear the shirt outside of the shorts if you are foreign and naturally stylish - dispensation can be given to Jocks and Scousers who are, by nature, scruffy buggers so most of our lot will be ok. When he feels better Bradley must cultivate a Bacary Sagna do (though a wig would suffice).
A foreign accent
All successful managers in the Premier League have to be foreign, it's the law. So GJ will either have to resign or get himself a foreign accent to fit in - Scottish will suffice. However Gary can say a whole sentence in Latvian (Where is my aeroplane?) which is more than some Premier League managers can say in English so he may get dispensation.
Goal celebrations
The correct Premier League protocol is crossing yourself, kissing the turf, religious artifact of choice and Elizabeth Duke 2 carat signet ring, and beating the club badge on chest. For pity's sake boys make an effort. It's not as if you have to do it very often.
Proper supporters
We need to have tens of thousands of fans (like Man Utd and Chelsea) who support us "because we are doing well". Oh wait.......... cut that one too.
BCTV
No more amateurish Bristol City World. To compete we need our own cable channel for the bargain price of £59.99 per month. It should ideally show looped interviews with Louis Carey saying "in all fairness" a lot, "Through The Keyhole" type programmes so we can see inside of our players' sock drawers, and most importantly programmes showing the WAGs shopping in Cabot Circus.
Clandestine meetings with agents
Gary will have to tap up players in order to be a top Premier League manager and Travelodge's and Berni Inns are a strict no-no if you're trying to sign the next Cashley Cole.
Integrity
Are you taking the p*ss?
